In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Jordan was my fave back in the day. If not, don't let this spoil your friendship and do what you can to keep her busy with other things so that she has less time to focus on this guy. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. Definitely. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. "I cant win for losing. Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. lets_be_honest When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes? Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. Huge!! She gets too invested in her daughters life. Haha! First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. Usually, yes your car insurance coverage should extend to anyone else driving your car. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. lets_be_honest He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). FOR the past four months, my friend has been chasing a guy at college. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. . The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. But are there REALLY that many teen girls into Star Trek? painted_lady Twelve year old take everything personally, so if hes saying I hate your favorite book, its so annoying, shes probably hearing, Youre stupid for liking that, even when its not what he means. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. As always, your anonymity is golden. I assumed it was more than just playful eye rolling because of the added detail about disparaging remarks. I was saying thats debatable. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? Great lesson to learn from your dad. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? Dont talk negatively about her father. And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. Good luck! I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. BtVS not mature and intelligent? It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Ha! Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? She may still resent her father and you! Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. Okay, maybe I wouldnt want my 12 to read that) they could go to a history museum that has exhibits about the War of the Tudors that partially inspired the novels. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. Then my partner came along. July 2, 2013, 12:04 pm, If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often.. Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for three. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. So I think there is a bit of a content based bias at work in some of this stuff you were already doing worthwhile things, so his dismissal of them was, in addition to being mean/cruel, just plain wrong (as in incorrect/inaccurate.) But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. (Which is fine, I guess. Anything! When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! lets_be_honest He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but its important to do what you can to resolve the conflict. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Losing the . I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. By myself, though. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. And my fingers are still crossed for you , kerrycontrary Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. 6napkinburger Sometimes those things just happen. Shes all the better for it. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. How does an interest in science and creativity equal boring? I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. He thinks it's ridiculous. Spyglassez On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. He is, however, driven and self-reliant. My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. Grow up, already. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. It could very well be a phase, too I used to be obsessed with Sailor Moon but you dont still see me walking around in a sailor outfit with a headband on. Some article about historical events that are echoed in Firefly, for example, or some new technology that brings us one step closer to Star Trek, or the genuine history of witchcraft that was included in Harry Potter. I hated sitting through long sports games. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. (There was plenty of that too, but I felt like dismissing my nerdy interests hit the hardest because I felt like science-fiction, fantasy, history, video games and books taught me a lot of personal lessons about life, loss, and persevering. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. We all died laughing. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. Jake O'Kane: Is the DUP really going to sink the Assembly and reject the Windsor Framework? He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. But the most consistent and deep internal driver is the terror of being controlled. Your husband and your daughter are both geeks at heart, which is encouraging. This can be a normal and healthy part of adolescence, but it can also be painful for parents who feel like they are losing the close relationship they once had with their child. I think theres something to be said for being well-rounded. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. Addie Pray Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. Frankly, I dont know ANYBODY who had such strange mutual worships WITH their parents I dunno, back in the 1980s most parents were actually grown ups, I guess. How many parents have to watch a certain movie a million times or have to listen to a certain band on repeat. His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. (Kept me sane), Astronomer My mom is super-duper awesome. So how did she find out about it? She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. By virtue of him going about his business, I was interested and wanted to participate. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . The kids moved away first then the ex followed them Needless to say visits with his kids are rare. So, so not like me. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? A: There are two things to consider here. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. Hey, that kind of worked for me. Then ice cream after. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. My brother did not. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. I dont get the sense that the dad is making any effort to get to know his daughter he just wants a reflection of himself and is acting like an immature ass in the process. But am I mad at her now? One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. Did we always get along? You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. Contact Us. Definitely. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. Yes. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. Shes all the better for it. He let us put makeup on him. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. July 2, 2013, 12:34 pm. Older and (hopefully) wiser I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. it seems to . Again, no. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. Asking. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. But it isnt you guys against him. Well done, as always, my friend. He rolls his eyes not at her accomplishments, but her timewasters A rather big difference. . Get out the frying pan. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Addie Pray lets_be_honest One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. Why are we judging other peoples interests? Yes! findingtheearth You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. I know I did. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. bittergaymark My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. This makes me so deeply jealous. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. And of course. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. Criticism gets internalized so much more easily at certain ages and coming from certain people something everyone should be more aware of. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. And its his behavior that is the problem and his behavior that needs to change here. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. . And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. , temperance I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. Forget it. I honestly think both parents are at fault. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. Im peace-ing out. I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. But for practical advice: board games. Dad used people for his own good. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. My first question is, would he want you to go with them when they go camping/hiking/whatever? Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. Though they might not always like what they hear or see, they are not typically faced with unexpected surprises or unpredictable outcomes. Also hi BGM. Oh, This Old House. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. Most of them are women. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary I wanted to spend more time with him so he took me golfing with him early in the morning, even though I didnt know how to play. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. Seriously. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us.